The Wanting Place

An Ending

loriannasprague — Thu, 31 Mar 2011 06:28:55 +0000

I think it’s rare to see the seasons of life amidst their changes; to be a spectator as the page turns to reveal the next chapter. Seven is a good number, and all good things come in threes. So, three years from the last rejection, the last good bye, I write this post to a song that opened the chapter: Sarah McLachlan, Answer. I am struck at how hope and belief in something can cause us to throw ourselves at it with everything we have, and, having held nothing back, what am I left with? All of myself. I feel like each tap on the keys is a scattering of the ashes. I wrote a requiem three years ago, but wasn’t capable of extricating the imprint of another human soul. What have I learned about myself from this experience and the last three and seven years, respectively?

That there is more than one person who answers that silent question deep within your soul;

That a soul mate, like love, is not the end-all, be-all it’s made into in fairy tales;

That even soul mates can treat you poorly.

I learned that in the face of desperate longing and desire, mingled with rejection, I am inclined to grasp for anything that feels tangible, often to my detriment.

I learned that alcohol is not a way to solve problems, and not an effective means of coping with them either.

I learned that I am still stubborn, and that is not likely to change.

I learned to see my strength; to tone it down a little, but not to be afraid to unabashedly be myself; I remembered that others’ approval has no value.

I learned that sometimes people lie, and make decisions that I may not ever understand; I am still learning to let go.

I have finally seen how unattractive selfishness is, and self-centered people too.

But have I learned enough to move forward and not fall into the same pitfalls? That remains to be seen.

And so it’s an end, as much as any end is an end, being cyclical in nature and, therefore, prone come around again.

Filed under: Meandering Thoughts

The Process of Grief

loriannasprague — Thu, 03 Mar 2011 04:43:25 +0000

Sometimes I wonder what it feels like to be an addict. I have heard addicts describe going through”good” days and “bad” days, and so I wonder if that is not dis-similar to my day-in and day-out. It’s odd to observe myself from a distance, but I review my thoughts and emotions and wonder about them. I don’t like not understanding things, and emotional-meaning can sometimes elude me because it is rarely based in logic. Emotions, however, cannot be escaped.

There are days I go through feeling empty and alone; there are days I go through feeling almost-whole. It never reaches a point of complete freedom from the emotional ties that seem to bind me though. It seems more like “good” days and “bad” days. It’s such an odd way to describe the grieving process. I feel heartened that I can look back on the last seven years and see progress; every year over the past three has been a solid and positive step forward when I look at them from this distance.

I am not describing a drug or alcohol dependence, but I don’t really have a term to describe this either. It was once love and infatuation, and it became desperation and then longing, and it has evolved over the years. There were times it was a negative and destructive force that lead me to make a complete fool out of myself. Lately it surfaces as an echo, or a shadow; resurfacing at odd moments and dragging old negative feelings and wounds with it. But, with each resurfacing, I have had an opportunity to purge a little more; to heal and deal and face whatever it is inside myself that hasn’t been able to simply release.

Personally, I do that through music more often than anything else. I suppose everyone has their own way. Lately, Sara Bareilles Gravity has been my mechanism to release. She talks about being bound without physical ties to someone from whom she simply wants to be released so she can be free. Her lyrics speak to me, though I would like to be able to say I am no longer drawn back…

I wonder, is it odd that the draw is negative? The reminder of a person I once cared about bringing anger instead of longing? No one has answers to this stuff. I think the general response is “let it go” or “move on” – what? like that’s not what I am trying to do already? Seriously? Ridiculous. I have noticed that the less I hold inside the better I feel. So I write it down, and, in my own way further my own process of grief.

Filed under: Meandering Thoughts

Better Spent Elsewhere

loriannasprague — Wed, 09 Feb 2011 05:15:10 +0000

There are times that I feel very alone. This is one of those times. A time when I have been able to look back on the past 7-odd years and see my actions from another lens. To see other peoples’ actions from another lens as well. Do you know what I see from this other perspective? Someone who has been digging her own trenches, and then crying that she can’t get out. I feel like a child with a blindfold – unable to see where to go, too foolish to realize I could take the blindfold off.

But here I am. I have this self-imposed moral bullshit I like to hold other people up to, as well as myself, and I have been thinking how great I am at being honest, and I have been hiding. While there is no reason to share my self-deprecation with you, I find that – at times like these – it helps to keep me honest after the epiphany.

I hide away in alcohol, and men, and false-exuberance. I pretend that life is good, and I am happy. I always thought that if you pretended long enough things would start to feel real, true. No. I have come away from the experiences that I put myself through feeling burned and disillusioned… and it’s my own fault. I never had to do any of it – I was so busy escaping my own stupidity that I just ran myself into more.

I am not honest. I am terrified of just being myself. I am afraid no one will want me. I am afraid I have nothing to offer. I am afraid that I don’t know enough to have real shared interests or common ground. I am afraid that I will not be the person you are looking for. I am afraid that I will panic and want to leave when you decide I am. I am afraid that when I decide I want you, you’ll decide you don’t. I am afraid that you won’t get my sense of humor. That I am too perverse; too angry; too burned; have too much baggage. I am afraid that maybe I am psycho, and I am afraid that you will say it’s true. I am afraid my life is too much of a mess for you to deal with… unless yours is too much of a mess for me. I am afraid that all I am good for is sex and sexuality… because what the hell else am I supposed to do with someone of the opposite sex? I am afraid of social interaction, and sexuality is the most familiar to me. I understand that footing, and I know where I stand on that ground. I don’t know how to be normal. I can barely sing. I can’t play an instrument. I love to read, but I can do that alone… and much prefer it that way. I am not good at sports, and do best at the solo kinds. I like all kinds of music, but I don’t like men who prefer the kind of music that I prefer. I am afraid that I am too melodramatic – that I make life harder than it needs to be. I am afraid that I will never be different than I am right now. I am afraid that I am going to die alone. All of that makes me afraid to try, because I’m sure I will fail. I am afraid I will hurt you, or you will hurt me.

I don’t understand the point of facing all of this when the outcome is doomed to failure. So, I like to drink and pretend that life is great and I am fine. I like to plan, and be busy, because – when I slow down – I am all I have, and I must face myself. So here I sit, wondering who other people see, and what they ‘see in me.’ I am tired of being approached by men who think I fit their standard, and who don’t have a fucking clue. More so, however, I am ashamed that I have been willing to pretend I do for the sake of pseudo-affectionate attention and selfishly-gratifying human interaction. And ashamed that I have blow countless hours on meaningless people when I could have been taking care of myself. I have been exerting a great deal of energy on self-destructive-selfishness, and it was energy that could have been better spent elsewhere.

Filed under: Life Conundrums, Meandering Thoughts

Some Hot Sand and a Little Renaming are in Order?

loriannasprague — Mon, 01 Nov 2010 21:49:13 +0000

08 Feb 2008 | Friday 12:12 AM

Current mood:unbelievably sad

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

..> ..> ..>..>

12:56 PM – A letter to my sister, Lorianna Marie Sprague
Current mood: hopeful

Hey sis! Welcome to the desert! It’s a hot, dry, difficult place where we are taken to learn how to forget all of this obsessive self-consciousness and embrace what matters most. We are shaped and changed in deserts, and they take a hell of a long time to cross.

So, here you are, and it might take a while, but I believe you are being formed for greatness. However, before we can move on we often have to let go of something, so that we have empty hands for the next thing to be placed into. Perhaps that thing that needs to be let go of is this sense of inevitability. I find that people who thrive in life don’t do so because life is easy, but because they have chosen to believe that everyday is full of possibility and that there is hope that things can be better than we can possibly imagine. I have a friend who recently went through a divorce and every time I seem him he says to me “life is so beautiful, we just have to kick at the darkness a bit.” He believes in possibility, not inevitability.

This is your life, you only get one (as far as I know), you have to decide who you want to be. You are not inevitably anything. We live out of the lies that we have been told, that we have adopted as truth. It takes a lot to claim anything otherwise. My friend Emily Colledge (John Miller’s ex-fiance) used to say something to me that she had learned after years of beating herself up over the failure of her and john’s relationship. Whenever a name or a phrase that John had used to describe her negatively would come to mind, she would always say “I don’t claim that” as a way of calling it what it was, a lie. She was going through the process of re-naming herself.

The only warning to that would be a blatant disregard for the criticism of others. When people love you and they speak into your life about things that they see, they are actually helping re-name you. They are pointing out the lies and names that you are living out of and saying “you don’t have to live like this.” In terms of our family, this requires a good bit of salt to bring out the truth in the negativity, but it’s there, we just have to learn how to discern between the lies and the truth. I think this gets easier when we understand grace. Grace is like the sun, it shines bright to separate the truth from the lies.

Grace is someone doing something for you that they didn’t have to or that logically they shouldn’t have. It’s the bill that someone pays for you without you knowing until you get to the register. Grace is pulling over to pick up a person who is having car trouble. Grace is helping the enemy find something to eat. I think we have experienced grace our whole lives. We are just so angry sometimes that we can’t see it. Perhaps that’s another good thing to let go of, anger. Grace is being let off the hook over and over and over and over and over again. Not only do we receive grace from others, we need to receive it from ourselves. Not that we get to stubbornly make excuses (“this is just the way I am”), it’s more like a recognition of all of our failures, admitting them, acknowledging them, and then having the courage to believe that those failures do not determine who we are. They are done with, they are in the past, there is nothing we can do to change it, we just accept it and understand that were are loved anyway and that this moment is filled with the possibility to doing it all better than before. Grace is about recognizing our need and having the courage to accept what we don’t deserve.

There’s probably more to say, but I am at work in Utah :) so I have to go. But we will talk soon. I promise.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

I didn’t recognize the desert when you did Christi, but I think I am beginning to see it now. I think I am finally grasping the concept that there is a season for everything in life, and my desert just happens to be a cold and desolate winter. You make a good point about grace, and grace isn’t something found in church pews, or a cup of sacramental wine. Grace is something we are given by other fallen people in a broken, broken world. I don’t know too much about grace, but I am willing to learn I think. I have been thinking a lot about friends I have lost over the years, and the losses I have been experiencing recently. Good friends, while they are a part of your life, are a blessing. Friendships have seasons, and friends have seasons. I don’t know that many friends can follow us through all the seasons of our lives. I think that’s why I have you. Family is supposed to stick it out through the most difficult times. (Though, I am sure that doesn’t always happen.) I have been shown a lot of grace in the last couple of months. Jenne and Erik certainly didn’t have to extend themselves, and I should still be living in Vermont. Sabrina and Ed gave more than they had to – I could have been stuck in an uncomfortable situation and Daniel could have had no one to play with, but we had somewhere to go for safety and acceptance, for companionship and entertainment. We have been blessed. That was a little of that grace – being given something we don’t deserve. Now I am losing a current friend – my best friend for years, and I was tempted to think about her lack of grace toward me, but now I am reconsidering. Maybe this is just a season, and maybe I am the one who needs to show grace. I have been so wrapped up in the anger I am feeling that it’s hard to see the forest for the trees. It’s time to let go of anger. Deserts are hard and growing is painful. I don’t know if inevitability is what I need to let go of, but it is at least ONE THING that I need to let go of. I don’t understand my desert, but I don’t know that I am meant to while I am going through it. It’s tough and frustrating. I feel like crying right now, and I can’t actually verbalize the reasons why. I feel pretty powerless to affect change, but I am so desperate for it.

Friday, February 8th, 2008: 8:31AM

I am realizing how prideful and arrogant I have been my entire life. While pride comes before the fall it also is mutually exclusive of humility, and one must be humble to recieve grace. The friends I have pushed away in anger because I felt they were wrong and should apologize and change… now seem like such a tragic loss; an unnecessary tragic loss. Where would I be and who would I be now if I had the Grace to say to them, “I am sorry that you are feeling the way you are feeling, but I will always be here if you need me.”? I have pushed so many people away because I felt wronged, and I have lost a lot of people because I didn’t have the foresight, compassion or understanding to see that they were going through something and to then love them in spite of the pain I was feeling. For that matter, I never wanted to break down the walls I put up in response to my anger, and missed the opportunities to reach out to people who were in need and mend friendships. It is deeply shaming to realize my depravity. I have been a bad friend. I have been arrogant and ungracious. I have been stubbornly resistant to humility. This is not the person I want to be.

Filed under: Myspace Archive

A Letter From My Sister

loriannasprague — Mon, 01 Nov 2010 21:40:00 +0000

08 Feb 2008 | Friday 12:10 PM

Current mood: bummed
Category: Life

Christi Sprague Wrote: Friday, February 08, 2008

..> ..>

1:02 PM – A letter to my sister (Part II)
Current mood:contemplative

I have lost a lot of friends along the way too. I remember when I told John Miller that I wasn’t sure if God existed and he told me he didn’t think he could talk to me anymore and I should call someone else. He hung me out to dry when I needed grace. Some people aren’t built for our journey. They are great for a certain chapter of it, but then the relationship reaches a moment of truth and it’s the people who are there when we really need them most that will always be there. There are very few people who have been able to walk with me through all the chapters. Other than JoAnn and Michele Lobianco, I don’t have friendships with people back home. They are the only ones who consistently reached out to me or allowed me to lean on them. Actually, we lean on each other, and that is a necessity for the journey. So, be willing to let go of people, few of them have the capacity to walk with you, and if they don’t that makes them baggage you carry along. And by the by, letting them go means releasing them from whatever you think that they owe you. Forgiving debts is the biggest part of letting go and is the hardest part of moving on.

Powerlessness is a great word. I think it is when we are at our weakest that there is the greatest power running through us, because it’s when we feel like we are losing everything that we feel we have nothing left to lose. And then it all begins with a risk.

The greatest threat to that freedom to choose risk is hopelessness. If there is one thing I am learning it is that powerlessness, if not put in the context of the story, leads me to despair and a loss of hope, which in turn leads to a complete loss of faith. In the context of the story, nothing could me more grand than our loss of power because it means we have stopped trying to be God and therefore God can be God, it leads to us admitting our need and allowing it to be fulfilled. Outside of the story, if we are powerless, then there is no hope because there is no one who is capable or willing to save us. If we lack power, then we have no reason to hope. If we can’t save ourselves, no one will.

So, there is a question to answer, is the story true? I think my answer to that question will determine how I work through my present situation. The decisions I make everyday are indicative of what I believe is true, or at least they should if I have any kind of integrity.

Filed under: Myspace Archive

A River In Egypt

loriannasprague — Mon, 01 Nov 2010 21:34:57 +0000

03 Mar 2008 | Monday 4:40 PM

Current mood:confused and defeated

Oh Blog, My Blog – How I’ve Missed You

I haven’t had time to write in weeks. Which sucks because I have had a lot to write about over the last few weeks.
It seems that when I have a moment to get on myspace it’s to check a message, write a reply and log off again because babies need fed, Daniel needs to go to bed, laundry needs done, ironing needs done, the kitchen need cleaned, or dinner cooked, or I need to be placing applications online and working on a resume – or multiple resumes, rather.

Daniel has been in and, today, started and new daycare. Which is great. He loves it and is doing well, which was unexpected. I am in the process of finding a job, housing, took some placement courses for HACC, and am well on my way to going to school this fall. I may own my own vehicle again in a few weeks – barring any complications – fingers crossed. I’ve hurt and been hurt by friends. I’ve forgiven and been forgiven by the same friends. I’ve acted all around like a fool. It’s those actions, the stupid ones that were hurting friends and alienating people that really bring me here.

I have spent the last eight months pretending what happened with Phil didn’t really happen. The immediate crisis was over, the adrenaline had gone back down, and I felt mostly safe – especially once I moved back to PA. But in reality two years of derision, demeaning comments, hateful looks, and abusive actions don’t just leave with the perpatrator. I still hear them everyday when I look at myself in the mirror; he never said I was ugly, but he would say, ‘You’re going to put make up on before we go out, aren’t you?’ or ‘You don’t look good in that.’ or ‘Damn, she’s hot.’ It’s amazing how demeaning it is to have the person you are in a relationship with always looking at everything with breasts who crosses his path, and to insist that you should put on make up before he will be seen in public with you. Or being ‘swatted’ in public because he didn’t want me holding a ‘side conversation’ with a sales girl. He wanted me to shut up and stand behind him. I came away from that experience feeling shocked, and angry, and worthless.

I tried to love him, and, in doing so, sought his love and approval in return. That, perhaps, is the reason all of this hurt so deeply. To be called a stupid whore, a dumb bitch, and inumerable other obscenities by someone who says they love you actually gives a pseudo-validity to the names. It’s the silliest thing, because I should just know to the core of my being that none of those things is who I am, but I know I say those same things to myself everyday, in the back of my mind, in a voice so quiet I can barely hear it consciously. How horrible…

So, I have spent the last eight or five or so months trying to drown out the voice with alcohol, and bandage with wounds with attention and activity. I don’t understand psychology that well, but it seems that getting attention from the opposite sex is temporary proof that Phil was wrong about me being ugly and unwanted, but in the hours and days following such stupidity all I feel like is a stupid whore – making other things he said seem more true. I am going about this in all the wrong ways.

I need to stop pretending that the damage healed just because Phil left, or I moved home. Just because my adrenaline isn’t pumping, and I’m not terrified that I am going to get the shit kicked out of me doesn’t mean that everything is all better.

Thanks Dad for constantly reminding me that Denial is NOT a river in Egypt.

Filed under: Myspace Archive

Dark and Weary Corners of My Mind

loriannasprague — Mon, 01 Nov 2010 21:30:38 +0000

11 Mar 2008 | Tuesday 11:20 PM

Current mood:sad, frustrated and alone

Pulling together the fragments.

So I am checking myself: What I am doing and why? How is this helping me get to where I want to be? One step forward, two steps back.

I have recently been faced with the question “Who am I?” I have often thought over the last few months that the last 2.75 years feel like a dream. There was a lot that happened, but it almost feels like it was out of place and out of time. I came back to York and almost everything and everyone was the same. And I hadn’t changed the way I thought or saw myself and the world around me, but I had changed I just wasn’t acknowledging it.

I am a lot angrier than I used to be. While I have been hiding from myself in an effort to flee from these changes they have been continuing to develop and take hold. I need to slow down and relax. I need to get to know myself all over again. Who am I?

My religious/spiritual views have changed. I am totally emotionally removed from the culture of the Christian church. I question the existence of God, and the truth of the bible. I don’t know what I believe anymore, and, while I would like to raise Daniel in the church I am at a loss to explain why that is. Maybe for morals and friendships. But I don’t know if that’s the right thing to do if I don’t really believe it anymore.

Having a child has made me more conscious of political issues on local, state and national levels. I always had an opinion, but I didn’t always bother to really educate myself and make sure my opinion was my own. I usually let people who I viewed as similar and equally intelligent tell me who the best person was and why. Now I want to find out for myself because I need to help shape the world that Daniel is going to grow up in. My basic views haven’t changed. I’m still a bleeding heart liberal and that will never change.

My views, feelings, and goals about education and career have changed. I couldn’t – from the time I was in ninth grade – figure out what I want to do with my life. Now that I have to provide a life – and a good life – for my son I feel the need for school, and a stable and well-paying career in ways I haven’t felt before. I could never make a decision and go with it before, but I have never been more sure about anything as I am about nursing. It’s good. It feels good. I am confident I will do well, and enjoy it enough to be worthwhile. I know I will be able to take care of Daniel since Phil will never pay child support. I will be able to enjoy life.

Other things have changed, but they are more subtle. I am having a hard time putting them into coherent thoughts. When I met Phil I was one person and everything about that person was torn down for years. I remember feeling like a hollow shell, a nobody and just wanting to die. My identity had been stripped from me. Nothing about who I was was okay. In the months following my seperation I tested and experimented to see who I was – even though I didn’t realize it at the time. The last part of myself that I remembered embracing and loving (and Phil hating) was this punk persona I had taken on during the year and a half before I met Phil. It wasn’t an act as much as a way to act out my anger and tough side. It was fun, and I identified with it. So I tried that on. I needed an identity and that gave me something concrete to start with. And I found that something had changed. I wasn’t sure what I thought about the current idea of ‘punk fashion’ but I identified with the music on a different level than I had when Kevin had first introduced me to bands like Social Distortion, Bad Religion, Flogging Molly, and Dropkick. Empowering, intense, charged, angry. I used to listent o music like Over the Rhine and Sarah McLachlan all the time and would feel depressed, powerless and hopeless. I didn’t feel that way listening to punk, and I liked it.

So, now, I know I am not a punk rocker. And I like to play dress up too much. (Hey – it’s fun!) But, I guess all of these changes leave me seriously confused.

In Vermont I was gauging peoples’ reactions and how i felt in different ‘personas’. I was trying to find the one that felt right. Most like me. On the way there I think I stopped with the one that felt good. After more than two years of seclusion from the rest of the world I was being noticed, and it was nice. I feel like I have a black hole inside of myself that craves attention and approval than eats it up and demands more. It don’t know how to satisfy this demon. I don’t know how many people telling me that I am wonderful it is going to take for me to actually say, ‘okay, I believe it now.’ How can one person do so much damage? I used to be okay with me. My stance on myself was ‘I’m just me, and that’s okay.’ Like one of Pavlov’s dogs I have been trained; if I am not getting attention than I am receiving rejection. There was no inbetween with Phil.

I believe the temptation now is to find someone else who will build me back up. But that is too great a responsibility for someone else to take on for me. Speaking logically it is easy to see and say these things, but my whole being is just crying out for someone to love me and let me know that I am okay just the way that I am. It’s so sad because I don’t and can’t have that – I need to give it to myself and I don’t know how. What’s sadder still is that by pursuing someone and having them say it’s not the right time I am percieving rejection and inserting all of the rejection I got from Phil. Basically my mind is telling me that I am not good enough for all of the reasons that Phil said I wasn’t good enough, and then my mind thinks that maybe he was right… that’s fucked up. :( I am sad. I still feel like an empty shell sometimes. Somebody who’s playing at life, and going through motions, but not really living.

Filed under: Myspace Archive

Love and the Land of Hard-Learned Lessons

loriannasprague — Mon, 01 Nov 2010 21:27:47 +0000

18 Mar 2008 | Tuesday 8:39 PM

I won’t be able to write all of this now, so you might want to check back in a bit to see if I’ve accomplished anything.

I had a very inciteful conversation with my very good friend Melissa today. (You’re my favorite little honey bee!!) The topic was on ’things meant to be’ and her words of wisdom were something to the effect of – there is nothing one can do to mess up what is meant to be; if it doesn’t happen, then it wasn’t meant to be; if it’s meant to be nothing will stop it from happening. My mind was pretty resistent to actually grasping this concept, but I think I now have it.

It takes a lot of courage to let something go and trust that – not matter the outcome, it’s the right one. Scarey. I don’t know if I spelled that correctly…. Scary. Scarey. No, yes…. I can’t tell. Wait. Scary?? Damn it!

Not to be a total dork and quote Star Wars, but when Princess Leia says to Tarkin, “The more you squeeze the more planets will slip through your fingers,” she couldn’t have been more right.

I’ve been squeezing. In an effort to gain what I desire I have been desperately grasping for anything I can hold onto, and it’s been getting me nowhere, and, in fact – I think I’m losing ground. If I wasn’t so damned stubborn…

…but here I am. In fact – having just posted a reply to someone’s group on the topic of ’Deep Connections’ – I realize that despite the fact that I say I don’t believe in soul mates, I am actually acting as though there isn’t another person in the world who is more perfect for me than this particular man. If I am going to stick to my guns than I should have no problem just letting him go.

(to be continued…)

Filed under: Myspace Archive

I Need Answers

loriannasprague — Mon, 01 Nov 2010 21:26:12 +0000

21 Mar 2008 | Friday 2:52 AM

Current mood:sad and confused

I can’t sleep. My mind is churning.

I spent the last – I don’t even know how long, re-reading my blogs from the last couple months.

I watched myself vascilate between trying and almost letting Kevin go. I also know what has and had happened between postings, and I know that I’ve been backsliding more often then progressing. I think I know what I should do, but I don’t want to actually do it. I’ve never wanted to do it. Because, in order to separate myself from him emotionally I would have to stop having contact and find someone else to call and talk to almost everyday. I would have to stop letting him know how I feeling, and what I am thinking about him as well as about the rest of my life. I would have to push him away and watch him deal with it. The hardest part of that is I don’t think he would show any pain or reveal any difficulty he might have with me taking those actions. Which is good – right? Then I wouldn’t be drawn back in and want to make him feel better or be consumed with the guilt or feel the need to share his pain. But it would feel like none of it mattered to him. I didn’t matter. That would cut pretty deep.

The flip-side of that coin is that I should do the same for him. Which means I would have to lie, and I am not very good at that. But I don’t do either of us any favors by telling him I miss him, or want him, or that I am sad and lonely. I just make it harder for him.

I don’t know how to go on like this either; with no rights, but overwhelming desires. I’ve got a half-ship, where he’s there to support me in my endeavors and walk with me through my trials, but I don’t have his time or full attention, and there is an on-again/off-again physical intimacy. I feel like screaming, “If you want me take me. If not than let me go.” I don’t think any actions on his part are thought out or remotly intentional, with the exception that they are meant in kindness because he cares.

He must be tired of going over this. I am. I feel like he’s holding a measuring stick, and I just am not reaching the mark yet. But I don’t know what the mark is, so I am walking a little blind. I’ve been thinking about that a lot over the last couple of weeks, and I keep coming back to the thought, ’take me as I am.’ Love accepts you where you are – for better or worse, even though that sounds a little cliche I still believe it is truth. So I wish he would just say, ’I don’t want you right now,’ without adding that no one knows what the future holds because that sends a mixed message.

I tell every guy who comes along that I am not available because my heart belongs to Kevin. If he would say, ’I don’t want this,’ and hand it back to me then I couldn’t say that anymore. My heart would be my own responsibility. That’s where the lying would come in – because once he gives it back I can’t tell him how it’s hurting. It wouldn’t be his business anymore. Which hurts too, because he’s been such a good friend. It has become an easy habit to think of him when I have something I want to share with someone else. And he has always been there with the right thing to say; making me feel better. I don’t think I have anyone who seems to understand and respond to me just the way I need, when I need, like he does.

While I have been thinking about acceptance I have also been wondering what I could do to be what he would want. If I had my own apartment, and a good job, and was a successful, independent person again would it matter? Or is it that I have a little boy that prevents me from having the freedom to go out and socialize? Would I be more appealing if I were still 23 and didn’t have a child? These are hard questions to write down because, potentially, the answer is very painful. But I need to know. The truth is – what we have now is barely shy of a legitimate relationship; there is physical and emotional intimacy, friendship, honesty and reciprocation. What’s lacking are the words, I am yours and you are mine. Certainly there is no cookie cutter relationship, and, therefore, no one can say how much time two people have to spend together or how often they must see each other to be ’in’ a relationship.

And so there is a little voice on repeat saying, ’he’s just not that into you,’ playing through my head. So that’s why I am angry when he allows a friend to set him up on a psuedo-blind-date. That’s why I am upset that he spent a few weeks talking to a girl and never told me about it. That’s why I feel played.

Filed under: Myspace Archive

Short, Slender Little Men

loriannasprague — Mon, 01 Nov 2010 21:24:19 +0000

24 Mar 2008 | Monday 9:32 PM

Current mood:sad, frustrated, but optimistic

So I’ve been thinking, why do I misjudge others so often? Or do I misjudge at all? Is it that I believe things are absolute? Must A + B always = C, or can C exist without either A or B, and likewise, A and B exist without C?

I search out the good in people and I cling to it. I think I believe that some good in someone equals a ’good someone.’ Hmm… yeah, that doesn’t make much sense. I get pretty upset when this formula doesn’t perform as expected.

Why do I need; affection? affirmation? attention? Better still – why do I continue to seek these things from people who don’t actually deliver them, and make excuses for their ’lack?’ Hmmm… It comes back to being attracted to people who are unavailable. According to phychology I am recreating my father-daughter relationship. I remember I used to sit next to my Dad while he watched the original Star Trek so that I could spend time with him, and in the hopes that I would make him happy or gain his acceptance and approval. He constantly didn’t show for visitation and would gain our affection through gifts and fun activities when he did. It wasn’t until I was a young teen that I finally started feeling anything other than indifference for him, and actually came to love and appreciate him. But the damage is done. I grew up seeking the affection and approval of a short, slender little man who cared mostly about himself. And that’s what I do now.

So I need therapy before I manage to let go of one little man only to replace him with another.

On an up note – I start work tomorrow! I am excited, and I will be sure to let you know how it goes. I sat down tonight to figure out my budget and it looks very promising. I think everything is going to be okay.

Filed under: Myspace Archive